Blink (of an eye)
by DizzyDrea
Summary: In the blink of an eye, the future spins out for Kate Beckett, helping her make the hardest decision of her life.


Title: Blink (of an eye)  
Author: DizzyDrea  
Summary: In the blink of an eye, the future spins out for Kate Beckett, helping her make the hardest decision of her life.  
Rating: T  
Spoilers: Watershed  
Author's Notes: I knew I wanted to write what happens after that last moment in the season finale. I mean, who didn't? Marlowe et al left us hanging, which is fertile ground for a fanfic writer. But I really didn't know what I wanted to write. Anything I wrote would quite likely be Jossed by the time September rolled around, and while that doesn't always matter to me, this time, for some reason, it really rankled. So, I took this route. The inspiration for this is in the end notes (so I don't spoil my own story), as well as other notes best left for the end. Also, if the title looks familiar, it's because I borrowed it from one of my own stories (White Collar, published elsewhere). I don't much like repeating myself, but... /shrugs/ It works, so I'm not going to complain.  
Disclaimer: Castle is the property of ABC, ABC Studios, Beacon Productions, Andrew Marlowe and a lot of other people who aren't me. I am doing this for fun and for practice. Mostly for fun.

_~o~_

_"So whatever happens, and whatever you decide, Katherine Houghton Beckett, will you marry me?"_

Kate blinks. She draws in a surprised breath.

She has no idea what to say.

~o~

_"So whatever happens, and whatever you decide, Katherine Houghton Beckett, will you marry me?"_

Kate blinks. She draws in a surprised breath.

Tears well in her eyes, but they're not tears of sorrow. Of all the things she'd expected him to say, this wasn't it. She can't say she's sorry, though.

He's right. She wants more. She deserves more.

And for once, she's going to reach for what she wants.

"Yes," she whispers.

Castle cocks his head, shock rippling over his features. "Really?"

"Yes, really," Kate says, smiling fondly at him.

The smile that breaks over his face is beautiful, shaving years off his handsome visage. All the hope and determination melts into sheer joy, and her heart leaps in her chest at the knowledge that she's the one responsible for that.

He reaches forward at the same moment she extends her left hand, trembling slightly. He holds her hand in his, the ring poised but not yet sliding home.

"Are you sure?" he asks.

He's solemn now, and she knows he thinks maybe she's not really sure. The tremble only grows. She's not going to lie; she's scared to death. She's never been very good at relationships, and what does it say about her that her most successful one is still filled with potholes and massive speed bumps? But it's Castle, and as cliché as it sounds, he's the one she's meant to be with.

She nods, rather than try to force words past the lump in her throat. A year ago, she'd have said no, not yet. Today, despite the fact that she's scared to death, she wants to say yes. So, she does.

"I'm sure."

Her voice wavers, and she knows she'll have to work to convince him if the skeptical look on his face is anything to go by, but she's not going to miss this, not for anything.

He rubs his thumb over her knuckles, holding her hand steady until the tremors cease. She takes a breath, looking deep into those endless blue pools she's grown to love, and nods.

He nods in return, his smile blooming soft and tender on his lips. He slides the ring onto her finger, and it barely hangs up as it skims her knuckle before coming to rest at the base of her finger, snug and sparkling, as if this was its home all along.

He kisses her finger, just there where the diamond glints on her hand before reaching out to pull her close, brushing his lips over hers. Her eyes drift closed, savoring this first kiss as something more. Her sigh rushes out without her permission, and he chuckles, hot puffs of breath that caress her face.

"I'm taking the job," she blurts out.

He rests his forehead against her own. "I know. I want you to."

She pulls back, searching his face for the lie, but there's only love and pride shining back. "Really?"

He chuckles again. "Yes, really. You were meant for bigger things, and this is your chance. I want you to take it."

"But what about—"

"They'll be fine," he says, cutting off her words with a look and a gesture. "Mother can stay at the loft, and Alexis will probably still come and go, but they don't really need me anymore. You still do."

Her heart melts a little. She cups his cheek in her hand as she smiles. "We need each other."

"Yeah," he whispers. "We do."

The days pass in a whirlwind. There's packing up her place for the move, packing some of his things from the loft. They make a couple of house-hunting trips to the DC area before they find the perfect place. It's a condo in an upscale area, bigger than Kate would probably have liked, but when your fiancé is Richard Castle, you have to accept that excess will be a permanent fixture in your life.

They marry at the loft on a quiet evening. Martha and Alexis, Ryan and Jenny, Esposito, Lanie, her father; they all bear witness to the moment they've each believed was inevitable from the moment these two first met.

And then it's off to DC.

The work is never-ending. It is both more restrictive and less than her work as a New York City Police Detective. Her office in the FBI building can barely be called an office, but at least it's got walls, even if they are only four feet high, which is more than she'd had at the Twelfth.

Her partner is a by-the-book veteran of the FBI, who's seen a lot and done a lot more. It's refreshing not having to rein in the man she spends the better part of every day with, but she won't deny that she misses Castle and his wild theories. He may not have been right all the time, but there was usually something of value in his ramblings, some thread they could tug that would inevitably unravel the fabric of the case and lead them to the real killer.

She's rising fast, a darling at the FBI and with her superiors, and she should be happy, but there are days when she's just going through the motions, when the work is just work and not the challenge she'd hoped it would be.

Things at home aren't perfect either. Castle spends most of his time writing and Skypeing with his daughter, and occasionally takes the train back to New York for a case. Captain Gates had been sad to see Kate go, even if she'd encouraged her to take the job, but when the case closure rate at the precinct goes down, she's the first one to invite Castle back.

So, he consults by phone and Skype, and the occasional return engagement when he can. It's good for him, but Kate can't help but miss him and the closeness they used to share. Now, when she's had a bad day or is frustrated by a case, she can't simply pick up the phone and tell him what's going on. Her bosses have been very clear on that: Richard Castle doesn't have the security clearance, despite his previous time embedded with the CIA, so she's not to talk to him about active cases at all.

They've talked about having children, but they both agree that there isn't any room for kids in the life they're living right now. Kate's job is all-encompassing, and to take time off to have a baby might damage her chances at promotion. And with Castle going back to New York one week out of four a month…

She loves him, she truly does, and it still amazes her that they're still so much in love after all this time. She just misses him, even when he's here with her.

So she sits alone in their condo, sipping a glass of wine and thinking about her husband who's visiting his daughter and mother and pitching in on a high-profile case while he's in New York. This is the life she'd wanted, all those months ago.

But as happy as she is, on nights like tonight, she still wonders if it was all worth it.

~o~

_"So whatever happens, and whatever you decide, Katherine Houghton Beckett, will you marry me?"_

Kate blinks. She draws in a surprised breath.

She wants to say yes with her entire being, but not like this. She doesn't want this moment to be tainted by her secrets and his resentment, and she fears that she'll always remember that her lying to him is what brought this proposal about. That's not how she wants this moment to go, and she's surprised to find that she wants this moment to happen again.

She reaches out and takes the ring from his fingers. It's exquisite, sparkling in the weak sunlight trying to break through the veil of clouds above them. It's just what she'd have chosen, and her heart swells at the knowledge that this man knows her so well.

She takes his hand and presses the ring into his palm, folding his fingers over the cool metal.

"Not like this, Castle," she says quietly, shaking her head even as tears well in her eyes. "I want to say yes, please believe that. But not like this."

"Why?" he asks. She can hear the hurt in his voice, and her eyes slam shut, tears leaking out of the corners as she fights a losing battle with herself for control.

When she opens her eyes, he's looking at her with such tender, almost desperate affection that it takes her breath away. She struggles for words, for some way to make him understand that it's not that she doesn't want to be with him, just that she doesn't want to force what they have with some artificial deadline.

"I love you, Castle," she says, cupping his cheek in her hand. "I love you, and I do want to marry you." When he opens his mouth to speak, she lays a finger over his lips. She gave him the chance earlier; now it's her turn. "I do, you have to believe me. But I don't want you to propose because you think I'm leaving you behind. I want you to propose because you can't live without me."

"But I can't live without you," he says when she moves her finger, more desperation leaking into his tone.

Her smile is wistful. "I know. And I'm not saying I'll never say yes. Just, not today, okay? Ask me again someday."

He looks at her for the space of a few heartbeats, searching for something only he understands. Finally, he deflates, ever so slightly. "Okay. I'm holding you to that."

"Okay," she says. She leans forward, brushing his lips with hers.

"Can I still come with you?" he asks against her lips.

She pulls back, surprised. "You still want to go? Even though I said no?"

"I know it sounds kinda corny, but where you go, I go. I'm not losing you, Kate."

"Yeah," she says, her tears turning into a watery smile. "Yeah."

This man, this beautiful, wonderful man, is more than she deserves, she thinks. And she vows to spend the rest of her life becoming worthy of him.

She has a real fight on her hands when it comes to where they plan to live, a fight she knew was coming and so she prepares accordingly. She doesn't want him to buy a condo for them, and she doesn't want him to foot the entire bill on a rental apartment. She wants to be an equal partner in this, and she's prepared to stand her ground.

After several weekend trips to the DC area, they finally find a townhouse they can both live with. It's bigger than her apartment in New York, but not as big as Castle's loft. But the best part of it is it's _theirs_. She pays her half of the rent, and no matter how much he may grumble about being able to support her, secretly she gets a little thrill each month when she writes him that check. And she always checks to make sure he's cashed it, because she knows it's not beneath him to simply shred them and pretend like he's taking care of her in grand style.

The townhouse is their own little oasis in the city, with a large master and a rooftop deck with a stunning view of the area. Learning to live with each other is somewhat less glamorous than she'd hoped. They get on each others' nerves constantly, and if she'd thought that staying overnight in his loft or her apartment would prepare her for Richard Castle 24/7, she couldn't have been more wrong.

It's not that he leaves his socks and underwear laying around for her to trip on; he's slightly more domestic than that, having been a bachelor for so long. So the dirty clothes wind up in the hamper (mostly), and the toilet seat is usually down when she goes to use the bathroom. But he still spends too much of his time playing video games or talking to his mother and Alexis on Skype, goofing off as much as he can like the juvenile he is. It's both endearing and annoying, but she fell in love with all of him, so she knows she has to take the good with the bad.

Still, sometimes she wishes he'd left the bad in New York.

Work is work. It's both more exciting and slightly more terrifying to know that she holds the safety and security of the whole nation in her hands. Her partner is, if it's possible, even more of a loose cannon than Castle ever was as a consultant for the NYPD. It's familiar, even as it's annoying as hell, and she wonders on an almost daily basis if she'd going to die in a shootout because her partner couldn't keep it in his pants (metaphorically speaking, of course).

And not being allowed to share any of that with Castle is frustrating as hell. She misses working with him, and she never thought she'd hear herself say that, even if it is just in her head. But her bosses would kill her—or sanction her, or both—if they found out that she'd shared classified details of her cases with a mystery writer. They've made that clear, and she wants this opportunity too much to be careless.

Unfortunately, that means that she now has to shut him out of the largest part of her life. It's driving a wedge between them, and while they still love each other, she's not sure if it's enough anymore. She could go back to New York, she knows. She has an open invitation from the Mayor; anytime she wants to come back, she's more than welcome. There might even be a promotion in it, if she plays her cards right.

But that feels like giving up, and she's not a quitter. Never has been, never will be. She just wishes that this was easier. But this is life, in all its messy glory, and no matter how much she might wish it was different, it isn't. She still has Castle, and curled up next to him on the sofa, watching one of their favorite movies, she thinks she can live with this, as imperfect as it is.

At least until the next crisis comes along.

~o~

_"So whatever happens, and whatever you decide, Katherine Houghton Beckett, will you marry me?"_

Kate blinks. She draws in a surprised breath.

Right here in front of her is everything she could have ever wanted, so why isn't she saying yes?

She starts to shake her head, wanting to deny this moment. She doesn't want him to propose because he's afraid of losing her, and that's what this feels like. She never wanted to back him into a corner or force his hand; she never wants to push him into anything he's not ready for, and she's not sure he's ready to get married again.

But she's just selfish enough to not want to let him go.

He slips the ring onto her finger, and she watches it sparkle in the weak afternoon sunlight. It's beautiful, and she's struck again by how well he truly knows her. It's not flashy or overdone; simple and elegant, and just what she'd choose if she could.

But it feels like a heavy stone weighing her hand down. She wants him, oh how she wants him, but she's still afraid that this is just a reaction to possibly losing her.

She opens her mouth to say something, anything, but he hushes her with a finger to her lips.

"Just wear it," he says. "Wear it and remember that I love you. And say yes when you're ready. Okay?"

Her heart swells with love for this man, and she wonders, not for the first time, what she's ever done to deserve him. She sucks in a breath, nodding her head. "Okay."

He stands up, pulling her up and into his arms, holding her close as if he knows he won't always have this. She wants to ask him to go with her, but she knows she can't. His life is here and she won't make him leave Alexis and his mother. They need him more than she does, and she's okay with that.

"I'll go with you, help you find a place," he says into her hair.

She shakes her head. "You don't have to."

"I know," he says, pulling back to look at her. There's a pleading quality to the pinch around his eyes, as if he needs this in order to still feel part of her life. "But I want to. I want to make sure you get the right place. Besides, if I'm going to come visit, I think I should have some say."

"You do, do you?" she asks, raising an eyebrow.

"Yes, I do."

He says it with such confidence, like the words have layers that she could spend a lifetime peeling back and still never reach the heart of the sentence or the sentiment behind them. And despite the fact that she hasn't said yes, she feels the future stretching out for them. She will, she knows. At some point, she'll be lost without him, and she'll say yes. She only hopes that when she does, he'll still want her.

But instead of answering, because the answer is burning at the back of her throat, clawing to get out and she knows that she's not ready for that, she leans in and kisses him. There isn't anything she wouldn't do for him, but now isn't the time.

Their time will come, though. She's sure of it.

The weeks fly by, and suddenly, she's on the train platform, kissing him goodbye. He'd wanted to come with her, to help her settle in, but she knows that's just a recipe for disaster. If he comes, she'll never want him to leave, and she still can't be that selfish, no matter how much she may want to.

Without him there to constantly pester her, the work goes by in a blur. There's her partner, a former detective like her, out of Chicago, easy on the eyes and flexible when he needs to be. They find a rhythm quickly, and work smoothes out into a steady cadence.

She misses Castle like a phantom limb. She'll be reading a report and wonder what Castle will make of it before she realizes that he won't ever see it. She's caught herself calling her partner 'Castle' more than once. He smiles at her tolerantly, the shine of understanding in his eyes. After the dozenth time, he confides that he left someone behind, too. It's more comforting than she'd expected it to be, and it quiets the vague worry she'd had about whether or not they could work together without some sort of physical attraction getting in the way.

They Skype almost every night, talking about the cases he's still working at the Twelfth (because no matter how much he might annoy Captain Gates, she can't argue with solved cases), talking about the latest boy drama of Alexis', or Martha's acting school and the one-woman show she's putting on at the loft (and Kate's giggling like mad when she talks to Martha and gets a preview; she's only sorry she's going to miss it).

It's the elephant in the room, though, that hurts. She can't talk about the work she does; most of it is highly classified, and what isn't really isn't worth talking about. But they find other things to talk about, other ways to develop their relationship that don't involve dead bodies and bomb threats.

He comes down to visit at least twice a month, and she treasures those days—and nights—like the precious jewels they are. Until she gets a call in the middle of a dinner date with him and has to drag him along to the crime scene, causing her boss to go nearly apoplectic until Castle points out some key piece of evidence they'd overlooked. Unlike Gates, her boss is grateful for the help and gives Kate permission to confide in Castle when she feels his unique perspective could be of use. He still has his clearance from shadowing Sophia Turner, so it's not that hard to get him an FBI ID, even if he doesn't get the shiny new consultant's title to go with it.

That more than anything takes the pressure off their relationship. She still wears the ring, every day, and if anyone questions her, she just says it's from someone special. Her partner is the only one who knows the real truth, because he's got a similar story. She sees Castle looking at it from time to time, a wistful expression crossing his face. She knows he'd like her to answer his question from oh so long ago, but she just can't. She wants to marry him, she honestly does, but she's afraid that getting married will mean giving this up. Or forcing him to give up New York and all his family and friends. Neither option is perfect or preferable, and she's caught in the in between, not knowing which way to go. So she does nothing and pretends it doesn't matter.

She knows that won't keep, that there'll come a day when she'll have to choose. She dreads that day, because she knows that no matter which way she goes, somebody loses.

~o~

_"So whatever happens, and whatever you decide, Katherine Houghton Beckett, will you marry me?"_

Kate blinks. She draws in a surprised breath.

She wants to say yes, wants it with all her being, but saying yes means giving up this dream job and staying in New York. She knows he wouldn't want her thinking that way, but she also knows DC is no place for him. He belongs in New York, and if she's honest, she belongs where he is.

The job is a wonderful opportunity, but it's also bigger than she'd ever imagined for herself. She's always believed that she's best served speaking for the victims, bringing closure to the families. It's what she's good at, all she's ever really been good at. It's been her driving force all these years, to be like her mother and fight for the people who can't fight for themselves.

This DC job isn't that, and it may never be that, and for all that she's dreamed of making a big difference, maybe this is too much. And if it costs her some essential part of her life—if Castle gets to DC and hates it, turns around and runs back to New York, or chooses not to go at all—then she'll resent the hell out of the job, even as he learns to resent her.

"Yes," she finally says, because it's all she can really say.

"Yes?" he asks, his face lighting up like a kid on Christmas morning.

She nods. "Yes. I'll marry you."

He slides the ring onto her finger; it fits perfectly, the diamond glowing in the waning light of the day. Something settles in her chest. No matter what she decides to do about the job in DC, she'll never regret marrying Castle. Of that she's sure.

He pulls her up and kisses her, tender and sweet. Then he starts to talk, rambling on about who they'll tell and when, where they'll live, whether or not they need to register for a new waffle iron. It's all so terribly normal that she starts laughing and can't stop. He looks at her like she's finally lost it, but the laughter isn't just for the humor of the moment, it's for the relief of having at least made a decision. He ends up joining her, and they laugh until they cry, drawing the stares of people passing through the park.

But Kate doesn't mind. This is them, for better or worse.

She doesn't take the job in DC. In the end, she realizes that it's not her. She wants to solve murders and give people closure and she can't do that chasing terrorists across the country. Captain Gates is disappointed, but understanding. She still thinks Kate can go places, but maybe the only place she'll really go is into the Captain's job one day. And if that's all she's destined for, she's okay with that.

Their wedding is the social event of the summer. They marry at the house in the Hamptons, with everyone who matters and then some in attendance. Kate looks gorgeous (or so says Castle, and really, his opinion is the only one that matters) in a shimmering sheath gown, her hair falling in soft ringlets from the crown of her head. Castle, as ever, looks sharp in his tuxedo, and her heart nearly stops in her chest when she sees him for the first time.

They toast and eat and celebrate well into the night, and then they fly off to parts unknown (Greece, but they don't tell anybody) to enjoy two weeks of doing absolutely nothing, apart from some sightseeing and a lot of eating amazing food, among other things.

When they get back, they fall into the work as if they'd never been gone. For the first couple of weeks, Ryan and Esposito watch them like hawks. It takes a few times catching them doing it for Kate to figure out that they're waiting for the two of them to bust out the marital spats right there at the crime scenes. After a fit of hysterical laughter (which is becoming a troubling theme for them) she reminds them that they've been together for over a year, and basically engaging in extended foreplay for longer than that. They've had their spats in public for going on six years, so it's nothing new if they do have an argument, personal or otherwise, right there in front of God and the NYPD.

Once that's settled, things finally smooth out into a regular routine. Alexis graduates from college about the time that Kate finds out she's pregnant. They hadn't planned it, but she can't say she's all that upset. Or surprised, really. It's not like they've really been diligent with birth control, and domesticity is surprisingly romantic.

Their son is born on a Wednesday, and he's perfect, and suddenly Kate has everything she's ever wanted. A good job, a good man, a beautiful child. It's more than she'd ever dreamed of having as a young girl looking toward the future.

She wonders sometimes, what her life would be like if she'd taken the DC job. Her mood with turn melancholy at times, when she thinks of the missed opportunity. There are days, when Castle doesn't put his socks in the hamper and leaves the milk on the counter, that she resents the hell out of choosing to stay. But then her son will toddle over and smile at her and she'll realize that if she'd taken that job, she wouldn't have this. And this—her son, her husband, this little slice of paradise in the midst of the whirl of chaos that is New York City—is worth a dozen high-profile jobs.

Still, she can't help but wonder what that other Kate is doing, the one who took the job and lives in DC, with or without Castle. And she wonders if she's happy. It's unsettling, so she tries not to dwell on it too often.

Sometimes, though, she can't help herself.

~o~

_"So whatever happens, and whatever you decide, Katherine Houghton Beckett, will you marry me?"_

Kate blinks. She draws in a surprised breath.

"I—"

She knows what she needs to say, knows that this isn't going to go at all the way he'd hoped, and she dreads the disappointment she's about to deliver. She can't marry him. She knows that now, in a way she should have understood all along.

It isn't that they're from two different worlds, because they are, but they've made it work all this time. It's that they're in two different places in their lives. Castle is settled. He has his work and his daughter and his home. His friends and his life are in New York, and she can't ask him to uproot himself and move to DC with her. And she can't stay, for him or for anyone. She _needs_ to do this, even if only to prove that she can.

She reaches out and closes her hand over the ring.

"I love you, Castle," she says, her voice trembling despite her iron control. "But I can't marry you, and I think you know why."

He visibly deflates in front of her, but it's not anger or resentment blooming on his face; it's the sadness of understanding. He drops his hand to his knees, her gaze following his to see the diamond glinting in the late-day sun. It's a beautiful ring, simple and elegant, and everything she could have wished for if she'd had the chance, and she feels a pang of sadness that it won't be hers.

"I'm sorry," she says.

She leans over and presses a soft kiss to his forehead, then she walks away. It's the hardest thing she's ever had to do, and she only barely holds it together until she gets to her apartment. Once there, though, she falls apart, sobbing into her pillow for hours as her heart breaks into so many tiny pieces that she wonders if she'll ever find them all, let alone put them back together. Lanie comes by, and her father, but neither of them can console her. It's a heartache that she knows will hurt for a long time, and she doesn't even bother to acknowledge that truth. It just is, whether she likes it or not.

She only hopes this is the right decision.

~o~

The move to DC is anti-climactic. She finds a nice apartment in a quiet area. Her father helps her move, but she doesn't really have that much that she cares to move with her, so it goes pretty quickly.

She works hard, and if the job isn't exactly what she wanted it to be, she doesn't complain. Her partner is FBI, one of the bright stars at the Bureau. He's good, competent and mostly by-the-book. They fall into a rhythm, but it's not the same, and she knows it never will be again. She misses Castle's wild theories and keen insights more than she'd expected.

It's the loneliness that nearly does her in. She doesn't date, and apart from her colleagues she doesn't make many friends in DC. She only lets herself ask Lanie and Esposito about Castle once in a while, and she tries not to feel anything when they tell her that he's not the same man he was when he was with her, his spirit dimmed somewhat with the loss of his muse. But if they think she was wrong for taking the job and leaving everything behind, they don't say it out loud. She's grateful for that small mercy.

Heartache is a constant companion, shadowing her every step, even months and years later, when the sharp pain has receded to a dull ache. She knows she'll never really be free of it; it's the penance she's paying for the choice she made. She's not one for regrets, mostly because they're a waste of time, but if she wonders aloud, to no one in particular, late at night when the city is asleep, if she's really made the right choice, well, she's the only one who ever needs to know that.

Her heart is stubbornly silent on the topic.

~o~

_"So whatever happens, and whatever you decide, Katherine Houghton Beckett, will you marry me?"_

Kate blinks. She draws in a surprised breath.

For once in her life, she knows exactly what she wants to do.

~Finis

* * *

Author's Note Post-Script:

The inspiration for this story comes from one of my favorite movies: _Sliding Doors_. I love how the story runs in parallel, exploring how Helen's life would be different based on her different choices. I took a bit of a shortcut here, choosing to spin out each possibility one at a time instead of trying to alternate between them. I can only imagine what it would have been like to write five parallel stories. The thing would probably have topped out at over 100k words, and I might never have finished writing it! So instead, you get this story, which is more compact and hits on the highlights without causing me to go insane.

As for the style, I've been reading a lot of what's called descriptive writing lately, which I absolutely love. So, I thought I'd dip my toe into the style a little bit. This is not full-on descriptive (mostly because I found out writing this story just how hard that is), but it does not have that economy of words that I'm known for. So, I apologize if it seemed a bit… wordy. Rest assured, it was supposed to.

The sentence at the beginning of each section is a line quoted directly from the show, used here under the Fair Use clause of US Copyright Law. As it says in the disclaimer at the top, I'm not making any money from this, nor am I trying to infringe on anyone's copyright.


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